You know you've seen a Texas doctor

               when your chart reads...

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
• The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
• Patient appears responsive, but unable to communicate with me.
• Bladder is under control, but cannot stop urine from seeping.
• Heart problem is fixed. Patient died at 10:07 this morning.
• Complains of chest pain occasionally. Otherwise just a pain.
• Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems. This remains a significant pain to me.
• The blood workup showed no antibodies present. Need the rest of the blood to be sure, however.
• If it weren't for the fact that the patient is dead, I would say he was in perfect health.
• Testicles are missing on this woman.
• Breast enlarged beyond belief. Upon extensive examination, found signs of at least one saline implant in each breast. Further examination is required.