Good Advice if You're
Moving to Texas
- Don't be surprised to
find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.
- If you do settle in
Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Texans. After
all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call'em biscuits!
- Save all manner of
bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
- Just because you can
drive on snow and ice does not mean Texans can. Stay home the two days of
the year it snows.
- If you do run your car
into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive pick-up
equipped with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't
try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- You can ask Texans for
directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees
and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
- Remember: "Y'all
is singular." "All y'all is plural." All y'all's is plural
possessive."
- Get used to hearing,
"You ain't from around here, are you?"
- Don't be worried that
you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
- The first Texas
expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the
adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big
ol boy."
- As you are cursing the
person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road,
remember: ALL Texans learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the
proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
- If you hear a Texan
exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are
likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever
hear.
- Most Texans do not use
turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal
blinking on a car with a Texas license plate, you may rest assured that it
was already turned on when the car was purchased.
- If it can't be fried
in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
- The wardrobe you
always brought out in September can wait until December.
- If there is the
prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation
of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not
matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're
supposed to do.
- Satellite dishes are
very popular in Texas. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in
front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently
displayed.
- Be advised that in
Texas, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.