Good Advice if You're Moving to Texas

• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.
• If you do settle in Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Texans. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call'em biscuits!
• Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
• Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Texans can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
• If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive pick-up equipped with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• You can ask Texans for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
• Remember: "Y'all is singular." "All y'all is plural." All y'all's is plural possessive."
• Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
• Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
• The first Texas expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy."
• As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Texans learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
• If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
• Most Texans do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Texas license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
• If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
• The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
• Satellite dishes are very popular in Texas. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
• Be advised that in Texas, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.